Navigating Father’s Day: How to Cope with Losing Your Dad or Child
Father’s Day can be a challenging holiday for many — not only those grieving a father or father figure who has died, but also those with strained or estranged relationships with their father and those grieving the loss of a child. Similar to Mother’s Day, there’s a particular sting that comes with walking past the Father’s Day cards and ads in the grocery store knowing you have no one to buy for.
While I’m fortunate to still have my dad in my life, I’ve spent the last 13 years bearing witness to my mom’s grief — and regrief — of my grandfather, Grandpa Ray. His unexpected death on July 4, 2011, changed our entire family’s lives.
Admittedly, Grandpa Ray’s was the first major loss I experienced, but he was — and still is — one of the best people I’ve ever known. Despite only seeing him a few times each year due to distance, many of my deeply held beliefs originated from him, in life and in death:
One step at a time — Grandpa Ray was an avid hiker, and a fast one at that. His goal was to hike the entire Appalachian Trail, which is exactly what he was pursuing just before he died. In hiking and throughout his battle with cancer a few years prior, “one step at a time” was his mantra.
There’s always room for ice cream — My family needs no excuse, occasion or season for getting ice cream, and we always attribute that to my ice-cream-loving Grandpa Ray. One of his favorite ways to spoil his grandkids — much to our parents’ chagrin — was by giving us “grandpa-sized” bowls of ice cream.
What matters isn’t what you do, it’s how you’re remembered — What struck me most after Grandpa Ray died was how people talked about him. Behind his somewhat intimidating stature was a soft-hearted man with a passion for serving others. He was a handyman and a volunteer always ready with a shoulder to lean on or a hand to help. As I stood by his body resting peacefully in the casket at the visitation, it struck me — he didn’t look like himself. Not because the embalming wasn’t done well by the funeral director, but because I’d only ever known him with the biggest smile plastered across his face. Grandpa Ray cared about how he made people feel, and that memory is how he lives on through those who knew him.
If you’re grieving this Father’s Day, there’s no one right way to observe it. In fact, you don’t need to observe it at all. You can “skip” the holiday altogether, and treat it like any other day on the calendar. As with any holiday, the For Grief Team’s advice remains: do what feels best to you. Below, we’ve compiled a short list of ideas for spending Father’s Day without your dad while honoring their memory.
Write a Letter to Your Father
Journaling can be a helpful tool for processing grief. It offers a safe, judgment-free place to express thoughts and feelings toward your loved one, especially those you may have difficulty sharing out loud. For Grief has a free reflection guide with prompts and space to write for you to download, or you can find 30 prompts specific to Father’s Day here.
Do Things Your Father Enjoyed
In life, meaningful time spent with our loved ones often means doing things you enjoy together. Doing those same things can be a powerful way to feel close to someone who’s no longer with you. For my family, hiking some of Grandpa Ray’s favorite trails, eating his favorite potato chips and, for me specifically, watching I Love Lucy reruns help keep his memory alive. This idea can take many different forms:
Participate in his hobbies
Enjoy one of his favorite meals
Read or watch something he loved
Volunteer for a cause important to him
Spend Time with a Grieving Friend
Chances are, you know someone else who’s grieving this Father’s Day. Having someone who shares your experience and with whom you can share mutual support can provide comfort. We encourage you to get together and share stories about your loved ones — whether they’ve lost a father or a child. Remember, no one grieves alone.
Establish New Traditions
Traditions often play a large part in holidays, and Father’s Day is no different. If an old tradition still feels right, keep doing it! But it’s not unusual for traditions to feel like they no longer fit, though, and it’s okay if they’re too painful to continue. Instead, consider starting a new tradition to honor your father or your child and invite extended family or friends to join you.
Read or Share Quotes About Fathers
Like spending time with another person who is grieving, reading about someone else’s experience can help you feel less alone. As you move through your grief, and as Father’s Day approaches, these losing your dad quotes may inspire deeper reflection.
“Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but in thankfulness that he was.” — Hebrew proverb
“To lose your father is to lose the one whose guidance and help you seek, who support you like a tree trunk supports its branches.” — Yann Martel
“My father didn't do anything unusual. He only did what dads are supposed to do: Be there.” — Max Lucado
“This is the price you pay for having a great father. You get the wonder, the joy, the tender moments — and you get the tears at the end, too.” — Harlan Coben
“He didn't tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.” — Clarence Budington Kelland
“If there is any immortality to be had among us human beings, it is certainly only in the love that we leave behind. Fathers like mine don't ever die.” — Leo Buscaglia
“It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” — Anne Sexton
While nothing will truly change the fact that you’re missing your father or your child on Father’s Day, we hope you practice mindfulness and do what feels right to you. It’s okay if Father’s Day is a painful reminder of your grief, and it’s okay to not be okay. Be kind to yourself. Taking care of your emotional well-being honors your grief — and your loved one — by allowing you space to process it.